My vagina. (Artist's interpretation.)

If women don’t like sex, then the only reason to have sex is to please a man. If you’re a dominant woman then that reason goes out the window, leaving all the “true” doms with almost no motivation to ever allow a lowly submissive man to use his cock to make her feel good. . . . 

There is one reason a good, sex-hating female dom would grudgingly tolerate sexual relations with the delicious submissive man who makes incredibly hot little sounds when she bites him: to reward him for doing the dishes. . . .

There are two big reasons I hate the idea that sexual activities should be doled out in small amounts only as a reward for service. 

1) If the only reason your partner pulls his weight around the house is because he won’t get any otherwise, your relationship has bigger problems than kink can solve. . . .

2) . . .If my partner can ‘purchase’ sex at any time by completing a certain number of chores, that takes control away from me. 

. . . .Should I go without because it’s somehow un-domly to give him a treat for no reason?  If upholding an arbitrary rule is more important than meeting my needs, then I’m not in control. 

I’m also not in control if I can’t enjoy whichever sex acts I want to because some of them are somehow inherently submissive.

Amen.  Sex is not a dog treat, given or withheld on the basis of behavior, but that is something that we, the treat-havers, do not personally enjoy. 

And oh my fucking god, that last line kills me.

Let me tell you, as someone who has sucked plenty of cock, there is nothing inherently submissive about the act.  There's nothing inherently submissive about getting fucked, pussy or ass.  Nothing inherently submissive about licking pussy or ass.  It doesn't matter what gender or orientation you identify as, sex acts do not have an ironclad inherent power dynamic. Those acts can be a submissive thing, but it can just as easily be a powerful, powerful dominant thing.  Trust me, making someone squirm, beg for more, and literally cry using only your mouth?  That is not a submissive act.  Not even close.  I don't care where you put your tongue. 

I'm going to put up my standard disclaimer here, and say that some people's preferred dynamic probably does look like this stereotype, and if that is what they are into, that is fantastic, and I hope that they find someone to play with who is also into that, and have the kind of awesome raise-the-roof sex that not only gets the cops called, but gets them in on the action.

But that's not the only model for a D/S relationship, and I think that the flaws in it would still be completely apparent if you swapped genders.  In fact, male doms are not expected to go without sex just because their sub misbehaved.  It's assumed, in the stereotypical male-dom/fem-sub scenario, that the dom can have sex any time they want to take it; sex is not a reward for the submissive, it's a dominant's need.  And that need, the dominant's will, trumps any need to punish the submissive.  Taking advantage doesn't lessen the dominant man's status. 

Yet, on FetLife, I get messages that ask me to belittle, berate, dominate, to put guys in panties and fuck them in the ass and order them around.  And when I respond to the more articulate of these messages asking about the things I want, what happens?  I find out the guy doesn't want sex.

I had a guy ask me on FetLife if I wanted a submissive.  I got him to talk about what he meant by that, what he was willing to offer.  Someone to buy stuff for, he said.  I'll come over and do chores.  I'll write you love songs and letters and I'll worship you.

The things I am into are rather significantly absent from this list, so I asked outright "What about pain?  What about sex?" I'm absolutely willing to negotiate if I can have the things I want.  I want to hurt someone.  Sometimes I want to fuck someone.  Very simple desires. 

No, he said.  No pain.  And absolutely no sex.

I wouldn't want someone pushing me to do something I didn't want to do, so I wished him luck – sincerely – and let it drop. 

But it's not just that one guy.  A lot of the guys who approach me on FetLife seem to expect me to be the ice goddess who doesn't want sex, and when I tell them that I am not that person, that I am the opposite of that person, that I am a . . . a . . . a randy fire-goddess with a cunt like fucking Godzilla, they lose interest.  It is confusing and frustrating and it gets under my skin like you wouldn't believe.  It's as though the idea that I want to fuck men makes me somehow less appealing as a dominant.  They want someone who just doesn't want them.  And having a cock stuck in me is apparently damaging to my icy exterior.

This is what bothers me about the whole "Men are worms!" thing, personally.  Why I just can't engage in it.  It turns the man into something unwanted, something useless.  Something the dom doesn't want anything to do with, sexually.  And while that may be how some doms like it, there are a hell of a lot of us who are very much into submissive dudes . . . sexually.  And yet the stereotype is of a woman who doesn't want those things. 

Isn't that at the core of so much ugly shit lobbed at us in this culture?  Women shouldn't want to screw?  Women shouldn't want to call the shots?  Women shouldn't want to be gratified?  Women shouldn't want things.

I don't mean it to be unflattering or objectifying when I say that when we as human beings see something lovely, we want it.  We want things before we even know what they are like.  Jewelry, dogs, horses, shoes, entire countries, castles, children, even sunsets and waterfalls.  Hence vacations and vacation photos and purebred pets and having another kid and spending a whole paycheck on incredibly sexy boots and having a hundred and twenty My Little Ponies because your mother wouldn't buy you a real Morgan. 

We want those things without having known them, because that is human nature.  It is what drives us to acquire pretty things or do special things, and this urge to acquire, to possess, though much-maligned, is not an inherently harmful urge.  It leads us to do fulfilling things, meaningful things.  We want the beauty of a life with kids, so we have them, and of course we love them as people because they are people, even though before we were able to love them in particular, we loved the idea of them.  We want the beauty of a purebred cat, but we quickly come to love them for their own personal merits as well, and no pet owner worthy of their pet would ever claim that animals, even if they look identical, are interchangeable.  We think something will make us happy, satisfy a need, so we seek to acquire it.  Hopefully we are right.

So yes, female dominants want men.  We want them as beautiful, sometimes broken, creatures whose bodies fascinate us.  We want them as sexual objects, as fetish objects, as things to fuck and beat and kiss.  We want them as people who will gratify us, satisfy us, lick and suck and fuck us.  We want them as terribly precious, terribly strong, terribly vulnerable, conscious beings that desire us as much and as desperately as we desire them.