Stupid snail, you are LOSING!

One of the hardest things to get around in the discussion of sex is the idea that somebody is giving it, and somebody is getting it.  It is almost impossible to talk about sex without terms like "getting some", "giving it to her", "take it", or "give it up".  It would seem like these would almost be required based on the simple ergonomics of intercourse - in any kind of sex involving a penis, somebody is going to be putting something into someone else.  That's just what sex is, down at the base of it.

After all, it would sound strange to have a woman spread under a man while they fucked telling him "take it all you bitch".  Funny, but only because it crashes into our built-in expectation of who is giving, who is getting, and what is meant by "it" under the circumstances.  A person with a dick, thrusting away at any number of orifices, can say "Oh yeah, take it all," and we know that "it" is referring to said organ.  Also, along with this, he is framing the recipient as lower than him - as inferior, a person to whom orders can be given, whether in play or with all seriousness.

There are so many violent, penetrative terms and euphemisms used where sex is concerned: prick, pound, hammer, skewer, split, pierce.  Along with whole phrases that sound very violent "Fuck your brains out" is the one that comes easily to mind.  All of it boils down to the idea that penetration by a cock is a violent, unwelcome act and that inviting it or enjoying it is perverse and bizarre.

I really think so much of what informs the male uneasiness with female sexuality is that hetero men, on the whole, have a horror of being penetrated by anything.  After all, if you are an ironclad hetero man, nothing penetrating your body in any way is good, whether the cock of another man or the spearpoints of enemies who have come to kill you.  To this way of thinking, penetration equals defeat.  If you are the one being penetrated, then you are the loser in this contest.

So the idea of someone not just being okay with sexual penetration but actually wanting it is incomprehensible to this mindset.  That's like desiring to be the Loser, enjoying being defeated.  Some guys will never understand this, because to them all the acts associated with female sexuality translate to inferior.  Getting on your knees, putting a cock in your mouth, bending over to invite the entry of cock or fingers, laying back spread open.  It's all seen as submissive.  This is why this kind of thinking envisions dominant women as either lesbians or ice queens.  You can't be dominant if you are being penetrated - so goes the thinking.

This also explains why so many women who are open about their sexuality have to tolerate being hit on, harassed, and otherwise having their consent assumed en passant.  They have explicitly stated their liking of Teh Sex - which to a certain kind of mind means they like being defeated.  And defeated people don't get to make decisions about what happens to them, they don't get to have opinions and make choices, they are losers.

This also explains the vitriolic hate such women encounter when they say no, really, I'm not just available for sex 24/7 with whoever fancies me, that's not what I'm about.  To this way of thinking they have defined themselves as receptive to being conquered - i.e. at the bottom of the status ladder - and they when pressed have stood up and said no.  That's not how the hierarchical mind thinks things are supposed to work.  You framed yourself as the bottom, and people on the bottom don't get to make those decisions.  It upsets the whole lens through which these people view the world, and that makes them angry far out of proportion to the actual incident.

All of this is symptomatic of a very primitive mindset held today mostly by men, and indicative of a great gulf between what we as a society want and what we have.  We try to create an inclusive, positive culture where this kind of thinking is not tolerated, but obviously have a lot of ground to cover yet.  This is a kind of dug-in chauvinism that I bet a lot of people don't even see clearly for what it is - the idea that for men, sex is winning, and for a woman, it's losing.  Thus sex increases a man and makes him better, while a woman is diminished until she is a "slut" and has no standing whatsoever.

Me, I'm crazy.  I like to think that when people have sex, everybody wins.  At least, that's the way it should be.